Is it just me or do you also feel a bit disheartened today because of lock down?
Good afternoon all! It’s around 4 p.m in South Africa. I am happy and grateful to enjoy today, investing time and effort into my blogs and appreciating all the good that has surfaced in my life because of this micro step that I took a little over a year ago I can now share more and do more for others and collaborate in my different communities to empower and inspire all as a collective.Remember to stay safe and enjoy your time at home. This is the perfect storm for homebodies and introverts right now. So take it in your stride
It was coming down hard last night and I meditated to the sound of the rain. Asking that the rain wash away everyone’s worries, fears and doubts, including my own. I also asked the rain to cleanse and detox my mind that feels so stuffy because of all the uncertainty.
This is all very normal right now and has nothing to do with anything or anyone but everything to do with everything and everyone. We are all going through this together. Some of us are thriving right now, others have heavy burdens to bare, illnesses to manage, families to provide for, relocating to plan and implement, exams to study and prepare for, careers to pursue and many of us are trying to keep love relationships and friendships alive too.
That’s a lot. It’s not just a mouth full, it’s a lot when you see it written down like this. So, if you are still able to read this and reflect today, just know that you are doing well. This is a kind remindHer.And remindHim.
Today is Easter Sunday and I am now in a zone of conflict, brought on by outside noise. I am at peace within. I actually feel really satisfied with the progress that I have made in the last six months. I didn’t enter or invite the zone, I have successfully exited this zone many times before, however in the age of technology this zone can pop- up like an unsolicited ad.Lucky for me,I have an ad blocker installed on my laptop and a mental block for outside noise thanks to my mantras and affirmations.
I choose to focus on my good now. I know that within darkness there is light.-143
Just because it, your success, progress, results, growth, weight loss or weight gain, recovery, remission is not that evident, does not mean you are not winning. You are a raging success. You don’ have to whisper and hide that fact to spare others feelings. You do you. I do me. We all live together in harmony. NOT harm – moaning. Yes, to those people who bemoan your wins as if it’s their loss. You won and you are winning. Period. If they feel the need to harm your progress, don’t allow it. I am learning and implementing that now. Don’t let it seep in. Drain it out. Drain that bitter vain. If it’s coming from you, drain it now.
Affirm:Forward is forward. Progress is progress.
There’s a time and place for everyone and everything and it’s my time to win again.IF you are reading this and have been through a lot lately, trust and believe that it’s your time too. Look for the signs. Pray on it. Become silent and focused and work on yourself. Do it honestly and know that every bit is a step closer to your end goal.
Every ounce of effort, time and dedication is moving you closer to your dream. You can and will live it. You are actually living it right now. And it’s an amazing process. You are not wrong for looking at your vision again. It’s yours. It was given to you. It won’t make sense to anyone but if it makes sense to you, pull out all the stops to turn your thoughts into things.
Affirm: My vision is clear. Believing is seeing. -143
I knew that this was coming. The judgment, the commentary, the old beliefs, the jealousy, the “ how dare she’s ”, the “ you will have to get a job again” comments, the “ I hope it works out for you’s but I highly doubt it will” and whatever else has been mentioned by these demons. But I have not prepared myself for this battle as I was busy fighting my own demons and in all honestly didn’t and don’t have time for other demons as well.
I am talking about the demons, jealousy, envy and judgment.
Hey jealousy, envy and judgment, I see you. Wouldn’t wanna be you. Peace!
You know, jealousy is the biggest and most threatening (S)he Devil. You sometimes don’t see him or her coming because she comes under the veil of complements, so called support and then out of nowhere she wants free stuff, not wanting to buy her way but benefit from your progress because she used some niceties and complemented or commented on facts I already knew to be true. Facts such as I have quality and original products. I create and produce things from scratch and personally design, package and distribute them. They are available in more than one language and all of the above is in constant growth and development as I continue to build and learn the necessary thing of doing better and offer better to my customers, readers and followers. Just like Rome was not built in a day, my little factory of love based products are not either. Love takes time.
” I offer something authentic, unique, different, lasting and powerful to the world. What’s that you might ask? My God given gifts. I am not a copy and paste. I am me.”
Envy to me is quite masculine because he tries to copy and paste and then show off what you already acknowledge and appreciate having . He on the other hand wants to make a statement. He needs to boast and brag about it and show it off non- stop. He is trying be liked more. He is obsessed with being liked and being popular and will take anything to get that little fix of being liked for something that he is not instead of accepting himself and getting the real bonus: Respect. I don’t quite understand why envy would want to have what others have and not simply enjoy what he already has.
” You are Too – too. You are too this and that you have to fit into my box or I won’t like you anymore. Well, keep you box to yourself and kindly refrain from trying to turn me into your designer doll. You can always buy a doll and dress her as you wish. I however, have no box nor mold. I take up space. My gift makes room for me.
Judgement unfortunately comes in groups. Herds. It’s never just one person. It will start with one person mentioning something that comes from presumptive sources based on no facts. Then another person seeks to support that by fabricating even more false evidence appearing real to everyone and now they feel that they have the right to push and project their opinions onto others.
And if the rest don’t follow. Well we all know how that usually ends, peer pressure either causes you to confirm or evolve into an uncut diamond. I am uncut diamond in the rough. I have to be tough now. I am not my own worst enemy so I will continue learning how to be a peaceful warrior and not a prescribed worrier.
Don’t listen to others, they don’t know you. Sadly it’s your inner circle who wants to break the chain of your progress. Not so- called others or strangers.
And no it’s not always your best friend, sister, girlfriend or significant other, it’s the people in your professional circle too. The one’s you wish to work with,not work for. So just be extra careful and set boundaries if you feel that people you are paying want free things from you, later on after you have set your prices and not being supported. Energy exchanges are perfectly fine if it works it works. However it’s not one size fits all.
So you faked your depression and now you are better all of a sudden? Jy soek aandag man.
I am very open and honest about my battle with anxiety and depression and I don’t do it to seek pity. I do it to create visibility. To open a more positive narrative as a victor and not a victim. Simply treat me with dignity and respect. Even if you don’t understand or think that what I experience is not real. Please, treat everyone with dignity and respect. Be kind. And if you can’t be kind. Be quiet. Stil bly is ook ŉ antwoord.
I speak on what I know millions of people are battling with daily. I am choosing to tell my story in the hopes of healing others. If it helps them to continue their stories or at least understand themselves and seek help if they realize that a task as simple as getting out of bed, to get showered, then dressed and out the door to make it to work without feeling like you can’t handle it, then maybe just maybe this conversation will bring us more awareness, less stigma and more healing.
I am not a doctor or a psychologist. I am simply writing about what I go through. My opinions are not for you to take to heart and believe you don’t need to seek professional help. Help is out there. Please practice self- care and seek professional help if you don’t know how to cope on your own. Your friends, family and spouses can only do so much. They are not equipped to help you. Don’t blame or resent them for not knowing what you yourself don’t know. SEEK THE RIGHT HELP.
I don’t look at myself as being ill anymore. Right now, I am moving into wellness. Yes, I am still faced with my many challenges and certain things are unbearable to deal with on my own, but I no longer tell myself : I
t’s because your mentally ill. That’s why you failed again. I am kinder with myself now and I say : It’s OK Estelle. There are many solutions to your problems. It’s OK if you have an anxiety attack right now, take a break and then look for answers so you can solve this and continue to win.
Feel to feel not to fail or fall off the wagon. Feelings are valid and can be worked through. Just be gentle and kind with yourself now.
I have been feeling myself a lot lately. I feel more like myself now and I have been feeling myself because I am brave enough to just be me. I even have a tattoo that is permanently engraved into my being as a reminder, guidepost,drive,motivator, and reason for living.
” Be YOU. Be Brave. Be kind.Be happy. Stay blessed.Stay humble. Stay grateful. Stand strong. ” – My second tattoo
One of my mentors told me to pose the question to others. When there is conflict,miscommunication or misunderstanding, I should pose the question to the other party or parties involved. Since I have already addressed this with myself I know pose the following to you. This is another simple exercise you can use to self- reflect or to reflect on others behaviour toward you when you start intiutively feeling that something is off with your friends co- workers, spouse, family members etc.
- Why and where is this jealousy,envy and judgment coming from? I pose this question to myself and the masses.
What are you jealous of ?
Why are you jealous?
Why do you envy me/her/him/them?
What do you envy?
Why are you being judgmental?
First read the script. Then, flip the script. Now edit it. Work it out for yourself and others. Don’t forget to investigate.Not everyone who is acting some type of way toward you is part of team demon aka jealous, envious or judgmental. You know your people well enough to know that they might just be going through a tough time and that you should practice mindfulness and not share your good news with them just yet. Even if you think it might be a way of inspiring them, they might be in their feels and need another type of motivation in the form of comfort. Tell them that their time is coming too.
Dearly offended ; Have you tried a different approach? Do you realize I never think about you, I don’t concern myself with others lives. I live and let live. Yes, I have an opinion and freely and respectfully express it when it’s suitable, but I don’t make it a law or a prerequisite for everyone to abide by. I am just me. I love who I am and who I am evolving into because I have done the work. My end result is my reward. And my reward is others inspiration. If I can do it, so can others. They just need to give it several thousand shots until they hit a personal bull’s eye.
AFFIRM : I can and I will. I fail forward. As long as I keep moving, I grow. I continue to grow.
You could do and experience the same for yourself. Why not give it a try? Please don’t ask me how. Introspection requires that you DIY. Do it yourself. Do it for yourself. Do it despite your shortcomings, flaws,situation, circumstances, illness, studies, career,relationship,friendship,religion, culture,sexualtiy, gender, single or taken, even if it’s complicated just do it. Do it yourself!
Having a heart to heart over the phone can do more good than crying over a hole that you didn’t dig. Just get out of that hole by lifting yourself and others up now.
I had a very lengthy discussion with another sacred soul sister of mine after I thought I was all good. We were discussing all our challenges with each other and she said don’t be shy and don’t feel ashamed to write about the bad things. She also advised that I do get it out of my system by blogging about it, because someone somewhere might be struggling with some personal issues as well and might not know what to do or who to talk to and they will most likely search the internet looking for advice because they don’t have the platform or freedom to express their worries right now.
It’s COVid – 19, a worldwide lock down, a new era , uncertainty, chaos, restrictions, physical distancing, social disruption,paranoia and to add to the list it’s 2020 and not feeling so plenty – ful but rather plenty- fooled right now.
So maybe what I am addressing right now could help someone else. It might not solve or dissolve everything but it could guide them a little bit. And I am here to help as best as I can.
Affirm : Break down. Break through. Break free. -143
It seems that the whole world has been cancelled. Not even put on hold or rescheduled but just cancelled. Some people have just given up. They are sleeping their lives away, overindulging to kill time and complaining, gossiping and fear mongering those of us who are or do not fall under the immuno- compromised bracket but under the mentally ill. I choose to be mentally well and I do it in a way that helps me. I have the most amazing support system of friends and family and communities and I also have professional help at my disposal ( without this I would not be thriving right now, I would be in an in- patient care programme for 3 to 6 weeks).
Love has not been cancelled. Dreams have not been cancelled. Life has not been cancelled. Music has not been cancelled. Art has not been cancelled. Poetry has not been cancelled. Cooking has not been cancelled. Nature has not been cancelled.
I am realizing now that I have not been cancelled. I have been doing well. Not because by some miracle I don’t have any symptoms or flare ups anymore. I simply became calm after I started to slow down. As soon as the lock-down was declared, I felt a sense of clarity. I was still worried about certain things,-I am human, not an emotionless robot. The good-news is that COVID -19 forcibly stopped the urgency in me.
It’s urgent ! I need to do it right now! Or I am going to lose my mind! What if losing your mind causes you to find your soul?
There was no emergency. The urgency of having to get a job and earn a decent salary again, the urgency to get back to Colombia, because that is my new home now and I miss everyone there, the urgency that I had to get all my deadlines in so that I can have something to show to all the naysayers who think I must have a 9-5 Monday to Friday job, in order to thrive, The urgency that I am almost 33 and I don’t have the material things that others have and I have to have something or I am seen as a nobody in the eyes of everybody that I love and would like to have in my life.
“Now watch me self- equip, now watch me say Yay. Now watch me sel- equip ,quip, now watch me say Yay! ” Shoutout to Silento
The pressure of telling myself and pushing myself to feel and be better already. Feel stable already, not cry so much, not feel so frustrated, not take everything so seriously, then going from that to being too relaxed, too spaced out, too happy, too ambitious and too talented and talking about myself too much is exactly what I must do right now.
Talking myself into things to get myself out of depression was not only advised but encouraged in trauma counselling. It’s a valuable tool. That I must use now or sink again. It’s not my business if you see it as self -centered right now. I am simply self-full. This is life or death for me.
I am not the backseat passenger anymore. I am not the breadwinner for the household anymore. I don’t want to be that. I choose to create and produce my own bread. I am still brainstorming and work-shopping the recipes but I am well on my way to discovering a recipe for self sustainable success.
I am in the driver’s seat now. The car does not matter but the fact that I can drive does. And the fact that I don’t own a car ,does not take away the fact that I do have a license, I am trusted and roadworthy and I can even apply online to get an international license issued,so that if I wish to drive abroad when wanting to take a road trip, hire a car , or would have to drive a care in another country in case of emergency, I can.
If I don’t choose myself how can I expect anyone to respect and honour my choices. If I don’t honour and respect my boundaries how can I expect others boundaries. It’s a two way. Not a one way. It takes compromise and common ground to reach this place within yourself and you must do your best to respect yourself now.
I have the right to do so. As long as I follow the rules and regulations I can drive anywhere. As long as I respect the speed limits and adhere to the traffic rules I can drive.
So to recap, just because I don’t own my own car, doesn’t mean that I can’t drive.
Let’s look at it in another way, just because I don’t have my own property ( home, apartment, living space) right now does not mean I can’t own a home in due time.
I don’t need to have the same home as everyone else. I might not want a four bedroom house. I might want a tree house or a want to live in a tent.Home is what you make it, not what others say it should be. They can not impose their views on your blueprints. Even if some of their views seem valid, if it does not sit well with you, pay more attention to your ideals and less to theirs.
Design your own home. Research, plan ,save ,budget, raise funds and invest in your home.
And then when you feel like it’s too difficult right not to go against the grain, to swim upstream, to be you, to be brave or to stand strong.
Remind yourself why you started. Even if you stopped, got distracted, got stabbed in the back, got ripped off, got used, got taken advantage of, got silenced, got bullied out of it, got distracted by a romantically or emotionally toxic relationships or friendships, got setback by a chronic illness, got tied down with money issues, got into debt, became desperate and had to start from the bottom again, lost connections from people you thought were in your corner, had to reset and regroup several times and still could not find a sustainable solutions, lost weight, gained perspective and now needing to rest a bit again. Please be kind, gentle and patient with yourself today.
Forgive yourself and others. Forget the mistake and remember the lesson.
Please forgive yourself if this pandemic is making you feel shameful, guilt-ridden, helpless,hopeless, like a failure, like you have let yourself and others down, if you feel like you are drowning right now, you are not.Please be grateful to everyone who is still by your side. Whether they have physical presence, virtual presence or spiritual presence. Please just remain grateful. I know everything has been delayed dragged out much longer and many things are becoming increasingly complicated, don’t take this a sign or a bad omen to give up. Take it a check point to show you you have made it to the next round.
Be great and be grateful. Don’t fool yourself into falling for false evidence appearing real. Just be grateful.
Things get worse before they get better. It must rain so the flowers can grow. And my favourite quote from Michael Beckwith says: A delay is not a denial. Les Brown said it too.This, all of this that is currently in motion right now is just a small puddle caused by some much needed rain.
Affirm: I am / You are bigger, better and beyond this.
I watch some motivational videos and talks that I have saved under the folder on my Facebook.Here are some of my favourite videos from this folder:
And do share your tips and tricks of what you do every time you want to give up.
Love, light, patience, gentleness, kindness and gratitude to all
Keep glowing up, and if you have to glow down today, that’s OK too.