I am emotionally bankrupt. Accepting donations of kindness, softness, patience,emotional support, mindfulness,warmth and understanding now and beyond.

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I have been back home for about 4 months now and it’s been a very challenging and demanding return. I have done my best to prepare others for the worst, so that they may take the initiative to help me get back to my best, so I can get on with life but it has become very clear and evident that today’s society, my culture , my community and certain individuals and the world as a whole does not care. In fact they could care less. 

 

I didn’t think it was possible but they could literally care less if I was not around anymore.Since I do not have a mold nor a box to fit into, they are unable to compartmentalize me.They just ignore me, because I am unfit.

 

I am speaking from a place of being emotionally bankrupt. I am publically declaring emotional bankruptcy. 

I have nothing to give, I have nothing to spare, nothing to contribute, not tomorrow, not for a long while and I am keeping what little I have to self- sustain and heal my trauma brain. Please understand. And if you don’t understand. Please be kind.

I am self -regulating and healing my emotional wounds that need to be gently opened, prodded until the root cause of my pain is identified, then sanitized and sterilized until it naturally heals and forms a beautiful scar. 

If my scars scare you.I suggest you learn to look at your own unhealed wounds first. My scars are powerful reminders of my resilience and strength. 

If my process doesn’t sit well with you, you can sit somewhere else, far far away from me.

And if my battle seems unnecessary or imagined or attention- seeking  to you, it’s necessary for me to fight it alone.

I used to  invest my time, efforts, loyalty and love in unworthy, unkind, unappreciative, insensitive, inconsiderate, bully types and self -serving , entitled,  self- important characters who took advantage of my efforts to be kind, to be gentle, to be honest, to be sincere, to be considerate, to be consistent, to be present and to go above and beyond for them in the spirit of love and closeness, friendship and community.

I lost 18 years to this and I am not about to spend the next 18 years  like this just because it’s familiar. Just because love comes naturally. Just because love and  kindness are my main currencies. Just because others aren’t as in touch with themselves as I am.Just because they were raised that way. 

This is the problem with backward thinking.They only know one way and that way rarely works. Backward thinkers can’t move forward but they want to enjoy the benefits of forward thinkers.

They think they deserve a seat at my table of love when they show up empty handed after being the first to eat and the first to leave, not even cleaning up or offering to host the next time.

If you’re stuck in reverse, change the gear . Don’t look at me to guide you.You must learn to drive.Don’t get drunk or high then get behind the wheel expecting to arrive safely.

Don’t expect me to be the designated driver in your life’s lane.You made choices that have consequences that you didn’t consider and now you think reversing through life will somehow bring you forward. 

Yes, good energy starts with me and stays with me now.

But nothing is free. If you want to be an integral part of this part of my life, pay attention to me. Spend time with me. Make time for me. Create the new with me. 

Help me see beyond my trauma and focus on my gigantic triumphs that I have made thus far. 

Reprogramming and unlearning toxic traits takes time.And it’s very hard when you are in a hostile environment trying to get back to a peaceful more accepting one.

 This is a lifetime commitment. And it’s a slow and gradual process.It is a scary and painful process that brings beautiful and lasting rewards. I can’t skip anything. I can’t ignore or overlook or even avoid anything. I must take my steps, make my strides, face the tides and ride the waves. And when I crash, I crash. Then get back up again.

If my positive changes affect you negatively that’s a poor reflection on you. If my fight for holistic wellness makes you sick to your stomach, that’s a reflection on you, not me.

And if my self -celebration and upliftment makes you depressed and annoyed and frustrated,  again, that’s a reflection on you. 

Introspect. Change your chip. Update your thinking, doing and feeling and learn and apply what works in favour of everyone. Not just yourself.

I can’t afford to be kind to unkind behaviour anymore. I can’t afford to love unlovable treatment and I can’t afford to support selfish- natured individuals who will claim that their wants and needs are of greater importance than mine. We are equally important and the priority should be to stand by each other nor be stood up.Not to be mean and inconsiderate. 

I also can’t be available to unavailability anymore and I most certainly can’t value who doesn’t value me.

The truth is some people can’t self regulate their emotions. They can’t manage their time well.So they believe their stress management is valid when exhibited as lashing out and flaring frustrations and switching off and being cold to your loved ones.

Loved ones deserve love and if you can’t love them in the right way. Learn how or love them from a far and allow them to heal completely. 

Constantly disrupting their momentum when they have good days takes away their dignity and hinders their progress. 

Those who can’t cope without taking their stress out on others need to realize that  negative energy drains out the positive strides I have made.

Those who  can’t feel worthy and confident without breaking others down, need to slow down, sit themselves down and really ask themselves : Is what I am doing and saying helpful, kind, considerate, empowering and necessary right now? Or am I  maybe being mean, because I am stressed out? 

Because I have made such a mess and I don’t know how to fix it ?I am too worried about how bad I look and I know I can do better if someone shows me how?

 Because I am so selfish and not even thinking about how difficult it must be for the next person who has very little hope or stability right now?

What should I do moving forward?  

And what shouldn’t I do anymore? 

How can I be kind just for today? 

Just for 3 minutes even?

 How can I show I care about their well being?

How can I help them, to help themselves? And not expect anything in return.I can simply pay it forward and honour their battle by making their today a little less challenging and a little more powerful? Can I challenge myself now and  choose to do something now or as soon as I can?

As I observe my surroundings and my state of being,I am asking myself if us humans have always been this broken, this lost, this insecure and this rude that the next man’s pain is none of your concern until that pain turns into art. 

Until that pain has been transmuted into gold.

Into a smile. Into pure love.

Then all of a sudden that next man is the best man or in my case woman.

Answer me this please : Why am I only accepted and good enough for others when it suits them? When it pleases them? When it is convenient for them? When it makes them feel good about themselves?  

Why can’t they do the emotional labour that is so crucial to their health and well being? Why can’t they improve and educate their  emotional intelligence? 

And since some of us or too caught up with our own lives, I’d rather lose everything and everyone if it meant I found myself.

 If my existence is such an inconvenience for you, let me bless you with my absence. If my authenticity is such a bother to you, then you hold onto your mask. Keep playing your role.

You keep wearing it and dancing to others tunes as you suffocate on your regrets. 

If my fight for personal expression and freedom is such a disgrace for you, gracefully look the other way.

I am emotionally bankrupt and I am accepting donations now!

 

Do donate kindness

Do donate respect

Do donate understanding

Do donate consistency

Do donate emotional support

Do donate time 

Do donate warmth

Do donate knowledge

Do donate sound advice

Do donate constant reminders

Do donate tolerance 

Do donate nurturing care

 

I am currently and in future not accepting any of the following demeaning and disappointing offers:

 

Judgment

Shame

Guilt

Rehashing the past

Old repetitive cycles

Inconsiderate behaviour

Berating behaviour

Being ignored

Being blatantly manipulated to fit others wants or needs

being disregarded and excluded

being sent on guilt trips

Being left out or pushed aside

Expected to do others emotional labour 

Expected to accept others old programming

Expected to make miracles out of small people

who want to live large

 

These items are rejected effective immediately. 

 

Accepting all donations now.

 

I dedicate this post to anyone and everyone who often times feel unwanted, unheard, unappreciated, invisible, pushed aside, unworthy, unlovable, flawed, mistreated, misused, berated, disappointed, devalued, abandoned, misunderstood, alone and deeply hurt.

If nobody ever says this or does not show it often enough here’s my 3 minutes of kindness and understanding to you.

You matter. Good things are supposed to happen to you and you deserve daily doses of love and care. I send you love, comfort and light.You belong and you are important. -143-

I challenge each and everyone reading this post today to be genuine and kind with someone today.Just for three minutes.

And to those battling depression and anxiety. Look for the win and live in love. Find it in yourself. And build on it. Every second of every day. Don’t give up on yourself. Even when others give up on you. Be kind with yourself today. You are a blessing and you are doing great.

A big thank you to all who continue to be supportive. Every bit helps me more than you realize. I am grateful for having you in my life. You make this journey of transition and healing meaningful,worthwhile, memorable and blessed.

with Fierce Kindness

Continue glowing

Continue being kind

 

Skylar

 

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