This is an open letter to the high – maintenance women I have had the pleasure of dating and shared friendships with.
I am about to hurt your feelings but heal your heart. So pay attention. I know you are used to attention being paid to you but today I am flipping the script and holding a mirror up in front of you. I am paying you a visit by blessing you with the gift of responsibility and accountability for your choices and actions as well my choices and actions.
Let me start by saying you are mean. According to dictionary.com to be mean means:
adjective, mean·er, mean·est.offensive, selfish, or unaccommodating; nasty; malicious:a mean remark;He gets mean when he doesn’t get his way.small-minded or ignoble:mean motives.penurious, stingy, or miserly:a person who is mean about money.
Merriam- webster gives us even more options to see what it means to be mean.
4: lacking dignity or honor : BASEa mean motiveb: characterized by petty selfishness or malicea mean surly man
You are mean- spirited and inconsiderate of others feelings and you reek of bitterness, emptiness and unfilfullment and it shows. Everyone sees it and nobody cares enough to mention it to you. Yes, you, the self- proclaimed drama queen. Yes, you, the best friend who has ugly duckling, wall flower besties because you know that they make you look better to the outside world.
People usually stay clear from you. At times they entertain your damsel in distress M.O because they already know what is really going on with you deep down inside.Short answer: Not much. A whole lot of nothing. I told you this was going to hurt. Try to keep in mind that the “truth hurts only once and a lie every time”. So you can hide behind the lie or you can face the truth. Your move.
You might look good on the outside, with your hair did and your nails done and your eyebrows on fleek and your make – up on point and your body snatched but I am afraid that’s just a pretty little wrapping for a person who is only wrapped in themselves. Women who are only wrapped up in themselves make very very meaningless gifts.
Did you know that you could exchange that mean gene for something so much better if you realize that you can give yourself the gift of self- love ?
Did you know that you could drain the bitter vain by converting your energy into being better?
Did you know that you didn’t have to drag your dad’s absence into my presence of being with you, spending quality time with you, taking a genuine liking in your interests and seeing you for the beautiful person that you are?
Did you know that you are not the only one suffering, hurting, healing, searching for answers and needing comfort,attention, love and guidance?
Did you know that you don’t have to use relationships as rehabs or job opportunities and that you can actually go and talk to someone about your unresolved issues and learn how to see things in a positive light?
Did you know that your friends, romantic partners, co – workers and kids genuinely care for your well-being but that they are not your emotional dumpsters and crutches because your daddy does not love you? Realize that they do. Read that again. Let it sink in. It might take a while, but let it sink in. Then anchor it in your mental space so that you no longer have the need to moan about your dad not giving you attention because there are plenty of people who can, want to and actually love you. I am legit speaking facts.
Your emotional and mental carry – on that you take with you everywhere that is filled with how you got hurt, how you got abandoned by your father, how you don’t have money because your father does not pay for things anymore, how your exes cheated on you, how you got used, how you got two- timed, how you can’t trust people because you know that everyone is out to get to you is not allowed on my flights. No baggage allowed. No exceptions. No grace. No just this one time. No is a complete sentence, says Lisa Nichols. Not even if you paid per kilo to bring it with you. No in other words means No.Period.
It’s time that you unpack that and come with an empty suitcase and learn how to pack blessings, and lessons and growth and acceptance of self and renewal with you. New you requires a new view. IF you want to catch this flight, leave the baggage where you found it. Drop it off at the lost and found counter if you must,but it aint coming with you. Travel light.
Kind reminder: If it has nothing to do with me. It has NOTHING to do with me. Read that again please. Allow me to also read it to myself. If it has nothing to do with me. It has NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with you. The onus is on you. Whatever happened in your life is what happened, that is just life. It is nobody’s fault. It is just is what it is. We all go through things. Big things,small things, debilitating things, things that break us,shake us,kill us and also revive and inspire us.
The people in your life are not here for you to blame and shift your emotions onto like they are some kind of emotional dumpster for you to just throw your shit at as if you are in a back alley in the middle of the night. People are not at your disposal or for your disposal. Treat people with dignity and respect.
That means that if I walked into your life today, I am here from today. I was not in your life two years ago, when that thing with your ex happened and now I have to listen to your broken record of how you got hurt. Over and over again. I am not your dad, I did not leave your mother for another woman to start a new family with and forget about you. I am not your half -sibling who gets to spend more time with your dad because, he always wanted a boy and not a girl. I am not the reason for your shortcomings. I came to you full. Not empty. So why are you so empty if your world is full of untapped blessings?
Change the station. Tune in to me. I am a much higher frequency. I am way better for your health. I offer healthy thoughts. I come to you with dignity and respect. I brought you some growth. I even managed to pack in some tolerance and forgiveness. Wouldn’t a change or thought and deeds be nice right now? I know I need constant change as my journey shifts.
You drag me into your brokenness looking for a fix, when I am not about that life. I can motivate you and support you on your journey to self- healing, yes. You however need to participate in your healing. This was a lesson I had to learn myself and it came at a very high price. I have been searching, asking, and receiving the right help for a very long time now.
I had to investigate, experiment, endure, tolerate,discover and maintain many kinds of treatments, medical procedures, prescription drugs, alternative approaches, traditional approaches and the list continues.
I have had to do my due diligence and do my homework about everything that I needed to improve upon. I had to read and learn and apply and fail and lose to come to grips with the fact that I can be a good human being by not only doing good, but being good to myself first. So your meanness no longer gets to come in and disrupt my good.
I know how much you love free things and being catered to and getting everyone to pay for everything for you but this is not one of those outings. You have to go within. So access to my joy-ride is also denied. You can go ahead and continue riding your emotional roller-coaster all by yourself. Yes, I know how you need people to like you and how you always need company, but so does misery and frankly, you can miss me with that.
They( add list here) broke you. It’s not my responsibility to fix you. They used you. It’s not my responsibility to validate you. They left you. It’s not my obligation to stay when respect and kindness is no longer served. And you are the common denominator in all of this. Not me. Think about it.
Your spoilt brat – attacks are not sexy or cute and very unpleasant to deal with.It’s uncalled for. Express yourself in a mature,calm way. Stop feeding your need to be seen because you feel invisible and ignored by your dad. Your childlike and childish manners in public are unappetizing to say the least. Going to the mall, flirting with random people and actively fishing for compliments because I don’t tell you how beautiful and amazing you are is worrisome. There is a place and time for everything. And personal praise starts with you.
You need to be self- assured by knowing yourself and talking yourself up first and foremost. I don’t mind affirming what you already know to be true.
So what’s true? Just the fact that you are alive and well makes you beautiful. Just the fact that you took a shower,got dressed,practiced personal hygiene and put on a smile and wearing a happy face makes you beautiful. Public display of affection is not necessary to prove that I am with you, that I find you attractive or that I think that you are the most beautiful woman I know. You simply need to believe it and enjoy it. It’s for you. Not the masses. You however insisting on a constant shower of compliments and feel good say things is unhealthy,unbalanced and draining.
Your behaviour at social gatherings is also off putting and quite ridiculous. The fact that you are an over- achiever at academics and sports gives you no right whatsoever to treat people the way you do. As if they are beneath you. As if you need to be wined and dined because your daddy didn’t take you out when you were younger. Take yourself out for a drink then.
What I also would like to address is you thirsty nature and attention- seeking behaviour that destroys the best of me when you are at your worst. You sometimes put yourself in danger and then want to cry wolf after going into the lion’s den believing that you won’t fall prey because of you are a gazelle. A model, a beauty queen. Let me kindly remind you that preys get stalked, chased and eaten alive.
I notice how you go fishing for compliments online with your half naked public displays. I notice how you add any randoms to your profile in the hopes of getting more than 30 likes for your selfies and I notice how your 4000 friends and followers make you appear to be well- known even though they are all unknown potentially predatory characters.
When I was younger I used to portray a similar narrative as yours. I used to be the sorriest Suzy you could ever find and I wanted everyone else around me to fulfill my unmet emotional needs. Back then, I was still in victim mode. I romanticized being rescued by a lover who would give me everything I ever wanted and needed and spend the rest of their life making me happy and staying by my side. All I needed to do was be pretty.
So I become a pretty, feminine, submissive and popular although shy but sexy girl and experienced what being a trophy girlfriend was like. It pretty much sucked all the time. I realized I didn’t like being pretty. I loved being beautiful. I regret to inform you that nothing about me is to be shown off to the world like a shiny new toy or to be put in a glass cabinet for public display. I am a wild and free spirit who is larger than life. Nothing about me is small, or shiny or gold -plated. I rejected that role as fast as you can say pretty little princess in a pink dress.
Do you know what your narrative is? It usually is the big D.
Yip. You’ve got so much daddy issues that I had stop subscribing to this free dramazine. Your always so innocent in all of this. I have to applaud your execution of your misrepresentation of yourself. It must have taken time and dedication to construct this mask.
Cue story: You come into my life and we become friends. Best friends. True friends and we enjoy each other’s company, we like the same things and seem to be a good fit. You mirror my likes and wants and needs and you soften me up good. You groom me. You cater to all of my wants and needs and even give me free reign on your body.It’s always consensual, mutual and then everything becomes less and less reciprocal.
In the beginning.You spoil me with gifts and surprises and tell me how important I am to you and that I get you better than anyone else. Then you tell me how none of your exes really satisfied you and that they did not treat well and that you always felt ignored. You know the words verbatim. You wrote the script after all. And then your personality just splits. You go from lovable and charming to cruel and mean. Me and me and me and me and me and me and me and mean.
Well if you would just like it to be you. Then be with just you. All of a sudden, I am the bad guy, I am the one who hurt you. I am the one who ignored you. I am the one who does not give you enough attention. It is all my fault. Did I miss any lines? Sorry, my drama skills are a bit rusty. Oh yes, my all time favourite closing scene: You just want to control me ! You don’t care about me ! You only care about yourself ! You are so selfish! After everything I did for you, this is how you treat me, it hurts, you are so mean.
Well you must be referring to yourself while looking me dead in the eye, when these infamous last lines come through with feeling and conviction.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not innocent. I know I am flawed. I know I had my hang ups and made my fair share of mistakes.I take full accountability and responsibility for that. My biggest mistake was trying to de-mean your meanness and cruelty with kindness as you preferred mindless, repetitive feeds.
Reality check and facts my dear. You did very little and took a lot. You took up space in my life. You disrespected my living space with your drug and alcohol induced emotional outbursts. You felt that I had to foot the bill for your precious insta meals and dates. All the check- ins, traveling to and tags won’t replace the fact that you in fact need to check- in with yourself. You might need a check- up. Those expensive price tags on your clothes won’t raise your worth either. You were already worthy. You were already enough. Everything was a bonus!
Those weekly cocktails and take away or you would take away things from me for your self- serving equation was a blessing in disguise. My pockets got empty but my mind, full. It filled me with the realization that high mai’s consume and do not produce. They subtract but don’t add and they take but they don’t give. They are an expense and a loss and not a worth while investment. They want to move in and cheer on but not get sweaty and dirty to build with me. They want to brag about their benefits. Newsflash. I am the main beneficiary of my blood, sweat, sacrifices, hard work and tears. Not you boo. If you did not actively participate from the first brick you can not claim benefits just because you look good and got laid.
The sudden rants that came with you not taking care of yourself was a direct reflection of yourself and what little you seem to think of yourself. Explain to me how you not cooking your own meals and reverting to eating unhealthy and in doing so had you gaining weight. How was that my doing? You firmly believed that I was some how responsible for what you ate and your weight. And when I didn’t cook. It was my fault that you were hungry. Explain to me how you an able bodied, smart girl,could not make use of public transport, had to be chauffeured and driven everywhere and picked up, when there are people with physical challenges who can get around with no issues what so ever on a daily basis.
You made my beautiful, ugly. You made my peace disruptive. You made my safety a danger zone and you made my bliss miserable. But I thank you, none the less.
I should actually thank you for bringing out the worst in me because it gave me the gift of showing me what I don’t want to be or be with because that is NOT who I am. Your little was enough for me. It was enough to teach me how to love and leave you alone. It was enough to propel me to a realm of where I could see the manipulation and misery that came with your manicures. That I could smell the stinginess of your time, affection, efforts and attention on your breath and perfume. It was enough for me to see that your two hour make- up sessions and getting your hair done was just hiding the mean mask that came off after midnight. If was enough for me to feel so low that I had to say goodbye you high mai and welcome back my higher self. I could take the high road and get back in my lane. The love highway to hell might be familiar but I chose to carve out my own path after your wrath. I chose to break out and build boundaries around my energy wall.
Cause my strength does not lie in numbers. It lies with me. That’s my truth.
Lovingly unsubscribing and unfollowing you, dearest high mai.